Vainglory

Despite losing 3-0 Brendan Rodgers said 'there was much to be excited about' as he denied Liverpool fans wanted him stabbed to death. "That's just banter, for sure they'd been on the Meth". 

Mighty Red

Harvey Proctor went on air and denied he is a Liverpool fan. "What sort of pervert do you think I am? Police are carrying out witch-hunts against poofs like me. My arse is clean like every ex MP".

Losers

Brendan Rodgers claimed there was nobody Liverpool couldn't beat after Monday's near defeat. "We're evolving into a title winning side and have been since 1989. We can win the lot. Scum always rises to the top".

Playing Away

Steven Gerrard again failed to cover himself in Major League Soccer glory. "This league is a lot tougher than you think. I'm a long way from home, I miss Liverpool and the women who fucking stink".

Direct Free Kick

Liverpool Manager Brendan Rodgers admitted Banksy had modelled Dismaland on Anfield. "Yes it's true. He wanted our advice on how to pickpocket the crowds coming through".

Indian Chief

Fighting off claims everyone was a drugs cheat, new IAAF President Seb Coe refused to admit they were all at it. "I have never taken performing enhancing substances and neither did Paula Radcliffe. As far as I remember she only took laxatives".

Leftwingers

Brendan Rodgers denied that Liverpool fans were like Labour's Lord Janner. "Thompson & Venables always remember to turn up for our matches, it's part of their demented character".

War Chest

Jose Mourinho accused Eva Carneiro of being a complete exhibitionist amid claims he was sexist. "She thinks it's ok to just run onto the pitch. She cost us two points. Nobody wanted to see her fucking tits".

Number Two

        

"You don't win the league by spending money" said Arsene Wenger defiant in defeat. "Philip Hammond says Africans are 'ten a penny' and at that price we can't be beat".

One To Watch

England won the Ashes despite having only 10 men. Captain Alastair Cook confirmed Moeen Ali went missing weeks ago and is now 'presumed dead'. "Last we heard he was in Syria cutting off someone else's head". 

Club Foot

After claims Liverpool's black four couldn't hit a barn door, Brendan Rodgers admitted it was too early to tell if he'd spent all the money on shite. "Camila Batmanghelidjh is not my wife, I make all the decisions round here and we only employ spastic whites".

Cheap Shot

Mo Farah denied he was one of seven UK Athletes on a 'suspicious piss' list. "I am British can't you fucking see! Ask Andy Vernon he'll vouch for me. And no I never cheated on my application to stay, I came here legally through Calais".

Da Community Shield

As Arsenal and Chelsea prepared to play 

'Spot the John Terry' down Wembley way, 

David Cameron sent sniffer dogs to Calais. 

"Nothing can stop benefit monkeys getting in, 

Brendan Rodgers assures me it's all a win win".