Patriot Games

After Moeen Ali trudged off the pitch he denied accusations he'd played deliberately shit. "I don't favour Muslim brothers from Pakistan. It's just a coincidence my form went and nothing to do with Islam".

Match Choice

Jeremy Corbyn was sad to have missed the Arsenal victory over Bayern Munich. "I had a prior engagement, there was nothing I could do. Besides I wasn't paying £64 for a Somali's head to block my view".

Dead Cert

As Oscar Pistorius was released from prison he promised to get his life back on track. "I've never made a penny out of Reeva's misfortune. She died on the toilet. It was awful, like watching Paralympic crap".

Kevin Pietersen's Lot

England played Pakistan in Abu Dhabi because their safety could not be assured by the foreign aid sponging whores. Captain Alastair Cook declared "We don't mind playing here as it's an opportunity to see...not every Muslim country is filthy dirty".

Nutmegged

What with the Euro2016 qualifiers taking place new Liverpool Manager Jurgen Klopp used his first week to grovel to the Kop. "I'm learning fast how to shriek Justice for the 96, go to Mass and fuck the Heysel lot".