Team GB

As Lord Coe's IAAF cleared Paula Radcliffe of doping she thanked those who supported her amid the 'marathons for money' and smears. "My excuses were plausible, I never won any medals unlike all the other athletes I've accused over the years".

This is Anfield

With Muslims blowing themselves up all over the place, Jeremy Corbyn decided we must die sometime soon. "I don't support self defence or shoot to kill for you, refugees are welcome and promise to have only 5 kids each like they do in Liverpool".

La Vie en rose

As England played France, David Cameron denied he hid behind Prince William to shield himself from a Muslim blast. "Tonight was all about singing the French National Anthem and not for talking out my arse".

Paris Match

As the French played Germany in the Stade De France, some 'Syrian refugees' exploded onto the scene. After the game the Germans announced they were too scared to come out so spent the night shitting themselves on the latrine".

Double Top

Phil Taylor came from behind to beat a 'right to buy' and flatly denied he was sporting bingo wings. "My arms are rock hard, like I told Police in 99' those women in the back of my van were just seeing things".

Medal Table

With the World Anti Doping Agency accusing Russian Athletics of cheating, Vladimir Putin decided to hit back. "These reports are simply not true. This is all about us bombing ISIS out of Syria which the USA have been pretending to do".

Soft Lad

Jurgen Klopp lost his first game for Liverpool and said he felt he was very much on his own. "After the fans left early I heard them shout 'YOU'LL NEVER WALK ALONE' and because of that Alan Pardew thought it best I get a Police escort to drive me home"

Subs

Labour's Sadiq Khan declared his love for Liverpool Football Club because they're the best team if you're a Pakistani. "Muslims and LFC fans have a real affinity. We both like disability and scream for jihad on Hillsborough anniversary".

Set Piece

Real Madrid's Karim Benzema strongly denied he was your typical Muslim cunt. "This arrest is not for grooming young girls or beheading a team mate. It's for filming Mathieu Valbuena with his pants down and sniffing my coke off his underage date".