Howzat!

Moeen Ali promised his form would come rushing back as England prepared to play the West Indies in the T20 World Cup Final. "Pakistan will be proud of me as Muslims have always liked beating blacks and not just to the foreign aid money".

Team Player

Dame Janet Smith published her report into former Wrestler & Marathon Runner Jimmy Savile. "Sex abuse went on but it was nothing to do with the BBC. The most important thing is we can all carry on paying the Licence Fee and keep our TV free".

Super Subs

Leicester City home to inbred disability and Keith Vaz MP moved a step closer to winning the Premier League. "We deserve it for having more fans in wheelchairs than any other club and despite ongoing Police investigations I have never interfered with the team or a sub".

Motherland

As Parliament debated to ban Donald Trump he hit back and laughed at Alex Salmond the fat cunt. "Maybe I should shut down my GOLF course and take jobs away? Scotland doesn't need people to work they have England's titty to suck on every day".

Champion

Old Holborn came back on Twitter despite Liverpool fans trying to get him banned. "It's justice for me, I'll always have the upper hand. Scousers can scream like a 'madhead' but today they've been left 'crushed' instead".

Belgian Bun

Angry Jurgen Klopp started the new year with a 2-0 loss after playing Brendan Rodger's £32 million flop. "I come to Liverpool every day and see the wheels of my car taken away so the last thing we want is neanderthal man who goes missing up front".

Full Toss

With South Africa beaten, Moeen Ali was delighted his form came back after it's disappearance against Pakistan. "A big thank you goes to my brother Hashim Amla who helped me keep my place and praise Allah for making me England's new face".

Winning Team

Norwich City appointed Ed Balls as their new Chairman amid accusations Delia Smith has gone mad. "He's promised to find us a magic money tree in time for the transfer window in January".

Foul Play

Tyson Fury didn't win BBC Sports Personality of the year but Andy Murray did. "It came as a total surprise to me especially when Clare Balding kept telling me my new baby is bound to be some ugly ginger kid".

Christmas Poo

Liverpool fan Mo Ansar took to Twitter to complain about Katie Hopkins being allowed on TV. "I shall report her to the Police for refuting the benefits of Islam & Muslim male supremacy".