Full Toss

With South Africa beaten, Moeen Ali was delighted his form came back after it's disappearance against Pakistan. "A big thank you goes to my brother Hashim Amla who helped me keep my place and praise Allah for making me England's new face".

Winning Team

Norwich City appointed Ed Balls as their new Chairman amid accusations Delia Smith has gone mad. "He's promised to find us a magic money tree in time for the transfer window in January".

Foul Play

Tyson Fury didn't win BBC Sports Personality of the year but Andy Murray did. "It came as a total surprise to me especially when Clare Balding kept telling me my new baby is bound to be some ugly ginger kid".

Christmas Poo

Liverpool fan Mo Ansar took to Twitter to complain about Katie Hopkins being allowed on TV. "I shall report her to the Police for refuting the benefits of Islam & Muslim male supremacy".

Game Over

The French Government urged everybody not to be scared and come to France for Euro 2016. "Nobody will get shot by an Islamist extreme, they won't hurt us we have loads of them in our team".

Team GB

As Lord Coe's IAAF cleared Paula Radcliffe of doping she thanked those who supported her amid the 'marathons for money' and smears. "My excuses were plausible, I never won any medals unlike all the other athletes I've accused over the years".

This is Anfield

With Muslims blowing themselves up all over the place, Jeremy Corbyn decided we must die sometime soon. "I don't support self defence or shoot to kill for you, refugees are welcome and promise to have only 5 kids each like they do in Liverpool".

La Vie en rose

As England played France, David Cameron denied he hid behind Prince William to shield himself from a Muslim blast. "Tonight was all about singing the French National Anthem and not for talking out my arse".

Paris Match

As the French played Germany in the Stade De France, some 'Syrian refugees' exploded onto the scene. After the game the Germans announced they were too scared to come out so spent the night shitting themselves on the latrine".

Double Top

Phil Taylor came from behind to beat a 'right to buy' and flatly denied he was sporting bingo wings. "My arms are rock hard, like I told Police in 99' those women in the back of my van were just seeing things".

Medal Table

With the World Anti Doping Agency accusing Russian Athletics of cheating, Vladimir Putin decided to hit back. "These reports are simply not true. This is all about us bombing ISIS out of Syria which the USA have been pretending to do".

Soft Lad

Jurgen Klopp lost his first game for Liverpool and said he felt he was very much on his own. "After the fans left early I heard them shout 'YOU'LL NEVER WALK ALONE' and because of that Alan Pardew thought it best I get a Police escort to drive me home"

Subs

Labour's Sadiq Khan declared his love for Liverpool Football Club because they're the best team if you're a Pakistani. "Muslims and LFC fans have a real affinity. We both like disability and scream for jihad on Hillsborough anniversary".

Set Piece

Real Madrid's Karim Benzema strongly denied he was your typical Muslim cunt. "This arrest is not for grooming young girls or beheading a team mate. It's for filming Mathieu Valbuena with his pants down and sniffing my coke off his underage date".

Patriot Games

After Moeen Ali trudged off the pitch he denied accusations he'd played deliberately shit. "I don't favour Muslim brothers from Pakistan. It's just a coincidence my form went and nothing to do with Islam".

Match Choice

Jeremy Corbyn was sad to have missed the Arsenal victory over Bayern Munich. "I had a prior engagement, there was nothing I could do. Besides I wasn't paying £64 for a Somali's head to block my view".

Dead Cert

As Oscar Pistorius was released from prison he promised to get his life back on track. "I've never made a penny out of Reeva's misfortune. She died on the toilet. It was awful, like watching Paralympic crap".

Kevin Pietersen's Lot

England played Pakistan in Abu Dhabi because their safety could not be assured by the foreign aid sponging whores. Captain Alastair Cook declared "We don't mind playing here as it's an opportunity to see...not every Muslim country is filthy dirty".

Nutmegged

What with the Euro2016 qualifiers taking place new Liverpool Manager Jurgen Klopp used his first week to grovel to the Kop. "I'm learning fast how to shriek Justice for the 96, go to Mass and fuck the Heysel lot".

Club Honours

Muslims from Liverpool caused the Mina Stampede said Saudi authorities investigating the Hajj crush. "Scousers have form they thought Hillsborough and Heysel were an opportunity to cause a rush and in the chaos rob the dead of all their stuff".

Toe Curler

After Liverpool outlasted Carlisle Utd in the Capital One Cup, Brendan Rodgers told reporters "We deserve to win this trophy on the back of a result like that". Strongly denying he'd got a mental block, "I'll do anything to stay at this club including having a dead pig wrapped round my cock".

Laughing Game

After Jeremy Corbyn gave the Rubgy World Cup opening ceremony a miss he denied he was embarrassed to be seen, "It's got nothing to do with Diane Abbott. I'm joining the establishment and I'll be busy learning how to bend my knee to Her Majesty the Queen".

Caught Out

With England losing the ODI series to Australia, Adil Rashid angrily denied it was because he was in the team. "I'm not from Pakistan and if you don't believe me I'll wear my suicide vest and blow you all to smithereens". 

Fans' Favourite

Brendan Rodgers ended the week with another victory in defeat. "We were leading when 2-1 down and making Louis Van Gaal look a right clown". Asked if he feared the sack, "No, Liverpool fans love me and they've promised not to rob my house after that".

The Endgame II

Arsenal FC were very grateful when Jeremy Corbyn won the Labour Party leadership. "He's promised us first refusal on all the brown men he's going to let in. Our future is secure unlike the poor white girls who'll get raped and murdered a lot more".

The Endgame

Liverpool fan Sadiq Khan won Labour's London Mayoral candidacy. He thanked his supporters and promised them "Diversity and everything for free will see this place fill up just like Sheffield Wednesday".

Transfer Market

After Scotland lost 1-0 to Georgia, Nicola Sturgeon decided they needed new blood. "We shall beg for a 1000 Syrian refugees, and show how the SNP are more than willing to bend the knees".

Club Med

Liverpool FC demanded the Government let in lots more Syrian refugees. "We sent over some representatives of the club and they managed to rifle through their pockets with ease".

Vainglory

Despite losing 3-0 Brendan Rodgers said 'there was much to be excited about' as he denied Liverpool fans wanted him stabbed to death. "That's just banter, for sure they'd been on the Meth". 

Mighty Red

Harvey Proctor went on air and denied he is a Liverpool fan. "What sort of pervert do you think I am? Police are carrying out witch-hunts against poofs like me. My arse is clean like every ex MP".

Losers

Brendan Rodgers claimed there was nobody Liverpool couldn't beat after Monday's near defeat. "We're evolving into a title winning side and have been since 1989. We can win the lot. Scum always rises to the top".

Playing Away

Steven Gerrard again failed to cover himself in Major League Soccer glory. "This league is a lot tougher than you think. I'm a long way from home, I miss Liverpool and the women who fucking stink".

Direct Free Kick

Liverpool Manager Brendan Rodgers admitted Banksy had modelled Dismaland on Anfield. "Yes it's true. He wanted our advice on how to pickpocket the crowds coming through".

Indian Chief

Fighting off claims everyone was a drugs cheat, new IAAF President Seb Coe refused to admit they were all at it. "I have never taken performing enhancing substances and neither did Paula Radcliffe. As far as I remember she only took laxatives".

Leftwingers

Brendan Rodgers denied that Liverpool fans were like Labour's Lord Janner. "Thompson & Venables always remember to turn up for our matches, it's part of their demented character".

War Chest

Jose Mourinho accused Eva Carneiro of being a complete exhibitionist amid claims he was sexist. "She thinks it's ok to just run onto the pitch. She cost us two points. Nobody wanted to see her fucking tits".

Number Two

        

"You don't win the league by spending money" said Arsene Wenger defiant in defeat. "Philip Hammond says Africans are 'ten a penny' and at that price we can't be beat".

One To Watch

England won the Ashes despite having only 10 men. Captain Alastair Cook confirmed Moeen Ali went missing weeks ago and is now 'presumed dead'. "Last we heard he was in Syria cutting off someone else's head". 

Club Foot

After claims Liverpool's black four couldn't hit a barn door, Brendan Rodgers admitted it was too early to tell if he'd spent all the money on shite. "Camila Batmanghelidjh is not my wife, I make all the decisions round here and we only employ spastic whites".

Cheap Shot

Mo Farah denied he was one of seven UK Athletes on a 'suspicious piss' list. "I am British can't you fucking see! Ask Andy Vernon he'll vouch for me. And no I never cheated on my application to stay, I came here legally through Calais".

Da Community Shield

As Arsenal and Chelsea prepared to play 

'Spot the John Terry' down Wembley way, 

David Cameron sent sniffer dogs to Calais. 

"Nothing can stop benefit monkeys getting in, 

Brendan Rodgers assures me it's all a win win".