Club Honours

Muslims from Liverpool caused the Mina Stampede said Saudi authorities investigating the Hajj crush. "Scousers have form they thought Hillsborough and Heysel were an opportunity to cause a rush and in the chaos rob the dead of all their stuff".

Toe Curler

After Liverpool outlasted Carlisle Utd in the Capital One Cup, Brendan Rodgers told reporters "We deserve to win this trophy on the back of a result like that". Strongly denying he'd got a mental block, "I'll do anything to stay at this club including having a dead pig wrapped round my cock".

Laughing Game

After Jeremy Corbyn gave the Rubgy World Cup opening ceremony a miss he denied he was embarrassed to be seen, "It's got nothing to do with Diane Abbott. I'm joining the establishment and I'll be busy learning how to bend my knee to Her Majesty the Queen".

Caught Out

With England losing the ODI series to Australia, Adil Rashid angrily denied it was because he was in the team. "I'm not from Pakistan and if you don't believe me I'll wear my suicide vest and blow you all to smithereens". 

Fans' Favourite

Brendan Rodgers ended the week with another victory in defeat. "We were leading when 2-1 down and making Louis Van Gaal look a right clown". Asked if he feared the sack, "No, Liverpool fans love me and they've promised not to rob my house after that".

The Endgame II

Arsenal FC were very grateful when Jeremy Corbyn won the Labour Party leadership. "He's promised us first refusal on all the brown men he's going to let in. Our future is secure unlike the poor white girls who'll get raped and murdered a lot more".

The Endgame

Liverpool fan Sadiq Khan won Labour's London Mayoral candidacy. He thanked his supporters and promised them "Diversity and everything for free will see this place fill up just like Sheffield Wednesday".

Transfer Market

After Scotland lost 1-0 to Georgia, Nicola Sturgeon decided they needed new blood. "We shall beg for a 1000 Syrian refugees, and show how the SNP are more than willing to bend the knees".

Club Med

Liverpool FC demanded the Government let in lots more Syrian refugees. "We sent over some representatives of the club and they managed to rifle through their pockets with ease".