Howzat!

Moeen Ali promised his form would come rushing back as England prepared to play the West Indies in the T20 World Cup Final. "Pakistan will be proud of me as Muslims have always liked beating blacks and not just to the foreign aid money".

Team Player

Dame Janet Smith published her report into former Wrestler & Marathon Runner Jimmy Savile. "Sex abuse went on but it was nothing to do with the BBC. The most important thing is we can all carry on paying the Licence Fee and keep our TV free".

Super Subs

Leicester City home to inbred disability and Keith Vaz MP moved a step closer to winning the Premier League. "We deserve it for having more fans in wheelchairs than any other club and despite ongoing Police investigations I have never interfered with the team or a sub".

Motherland

As Parliament debated to ban Donald Trump he hit back and laughed at Alex Salmond the fat cunt. "Maybe I should shut down my GOLF course and take jobs away? Scotland doesn't need people to work they have England's titty to suck on every day".

Champion

Old Holborn came back on Twitter despite Liverpool fans trying to get him banned. "It's justice for me, I'll always have the upper hand. Scousers can scream like a 'madhead' but today they've been left 'crushed' instead".

Belgian Bun

Angry Jurgen Klopp started the new year with a 2-0 loss after playing Brendan Rodger's £32 million flop. "I come to Liverpool every day and see the wheels of my car taken away so the last thing we want is neanderthal man who goes missing up front".

Full Toss

With South Africa beaten, Moeen Ali was delighted his form came back after it's disappearance against Pakistan. "A big thank you goes to my brother Hashim Amla who helped me keep my place and praise Allah for making me England's new face".

Winning Team

Norwich City appointed Ed Balls as their new Chairman amid accusations Delia Smith has gone mad. "He's promised to find us a magic money tree in time for the transfer window in January".

Foul Play

Tyson Fury didn't win BBC Sports Personality of the year but Andy Murray did. "It came as a total surprise to me especially when Clare Balding kept telling me my new baby is bound to be some ugly ginger kid".

Christmas Poo

Liverpool fan Mo Ansar took to Twitter to complain about Katie Hopkins being allowed on TV. "I shall report her to the Police for refuting the benefits of Islam & Muslim male supremacy".

Game Over

The French Government urged everybody not to be scared and come to France for Euro 2016. "Nobody will get shot by an Islamist extreme, they won't hurt us we have loads of them in our team".

Team GB

As Lord Coe's IAAF cleared Paula Radcliffe of doping she thanked those who supported her amid the 'marathons for money' and smears. "My excuses were plausible, I never won any medals unlike all the other athletes I've accused over the years".

This is Anfield

With Muslims blowing themselves up all over the place, Jeremy Corbyn decided we must die sometime soon. "I don't support self defence or shoot to kill for you, refugees are welcome and promise to have only 5 kids each like they do in Liverpool".

La Vie en rose

As England played France, David Cameron denied he hid behind Prince William to shield himself from a Muslim blast. "Tonight was all about singing the French National Anthem and not for talking out my arse".

Paris Match

As the French played Germany in the Stade De France, some 'Syrian refugees' exploded onto the scene. After the game the Germans announced they were too scared to come out so spent the night shitting themselves on the latrine".

Double Top

Phil Taylor came from behind to beat a 'right to buy' and flatly denied he was sporting bingo wings. "My arms are rock hard, like I told Police in 99' those women in the back of my van were just seeing things".

Medal Table

With the World Anti Doping Agency accusing Russian Athletics of cheating, Vladimir Putin decided to hit back. "These reports are simply not true. This is all about us bombing ISIS out of Syria which the USA have been pretending to do".

Soft Lad

Jurgen Klopp lost his first game for Liverpool and said he felt he was very much on his own. "After the fans left early I heard them shout 'YOU'LL NEVER WALK ALONE' and because of that Alan Pardew thought it best I get a Police escort to drive me home"

Subs

Labour's Sadiq Khan declared his love for Liverpool Football Club because they're the best team if you're a Pakistani. "Muslims and LFC fans have a real affinity. We both like disability and scream for jihad on Hillsborough anniversary".

Set Piece

Real Madrid's Karim Benzema strongly denied he was your typical Muslim cunt. "This arrest is not for grooming young girls or beheading a team mate. It's for filming Mathieu Valbuena with his pants down and sniffing my coke off his underage date".