Motherland

As Parliament debated to ban Donald Trump he hit back and laughed at Alex Salmond the fat cunt. "Maybe I should shut down my GOLF course and take jobs away? Scotland doesn't need people to work they have England's titty to suck on every day".

Champion

Old Holborn came back on Twitter despite Liverpool fans trying to get him banned. "It's justice for me, I'll always have the upper hand. Scousers can scream like a 'madhead' but today they've been left 'crushed' instead".

Belgian Bun

Angry Jurgen Klopp started the new year with a 2-0 loss after playing Brendan Rodger's £32 million flop. "I come to Liverpool every day and see the wheels of my car taken away so the last thing we want is neanderthal man who goes missing up front".

Full Toss

With South Africa beaten, Moeen Ali was delighted his form came back after it's disappearance against Pakistan. "A big thank you goes to my brother Hashim Amla who helped me keep my place and praise Allah for making me England's new face".

Winning Team

Norwich City appointed Ed Balls as their new Chairman amid accusations Delia Smith has gone mad. "He's promised to find us a magic money tree in time for the transfer window in January".

Foul Play

Tyson Fury didn't win BBC Sports Personality of the year but Andy Murray did. "It came as a total surprise to me especially when Clare Balding kept telling me my new baby is bound to be some ugly ginger kid".

Christmas Poo

Liverpool fan Mo Ansar took to Twitter to complain about Katie Hopkins being allowed on TV. "I shall report her to the Police for refuting the benefits of Islam & Muslim male supremacy".

Game Over

The French Government urged everybody not to be scared and come to France for Euro 2016. "Nobody will get shot by an Islamist extreme, they won't hurt us we have loads of them in our team".

Team GB

As Lord Coe's IAAF cleared Paula Radcliffe of doping she thanked those who supported her amid the 'marathons for money' and smears. "My excuses were plausible, I never won any medals unlike all the other athletes I've accused over the years".

This is Anfield

With Muslims blowing themselves up all over the place, Jeremy Corbyn decided we must die sometime soon. "I don't support self defence or shoot to kill for you, refugees are welcome and promise to have only 5 kids each like they do in Liverpool".